Please Select a Reason for Your Clothing Return – The New Yorker
(Check all that apply.)
• Unhappy with item color.
• Unhappy with item style.
• Happy with item color and style, but unhappy in general and
projecting onto item.
• Happy with item color and style, but removing item required a warmup
stretch, a can of WD-40, and a four-day juice cleanse.
• Item arrived defective.
• Item arrived defective at reproducing euphoric rush of purchasing item
thirty-six hours ago.
• Not satisfied with size.
• Not satisfied with fit.
• Not satisfied with size or fit because accidentally purchased a ferret
• Size and fit perfectly fine, but still disappointed—perhaps because Todd
was right: nothing is ever good enough for me.
• Item requires total overhaul of current Spanx inventory.
• Package arrived too late.
• Package arrived too early; startled by package.
• Item not as described.
• Item exactly as described, but purchased just for the colorful tissue
• Drunk now.
• Item either arrived damaged or is supposed to have these shoulder
cutouts for some reason.
• Item too large.
• Item too small.
• Item somehow both too large and too small; designer appears unfamiliar
with general shape of human-woman torso.
• Changed mind about item.
• Changed mind about item after accidentally lighting item a little bit on
• Too flammable.
• Not flammable enough.
• Item clearly designed by someone who hates fabric and wants to make it
• Thought item was shirt; actually dress.
• Thought item was dress; actually replacement cover for IKEA EKTORP ottoman.
• Item no longer needed.
• Item no longer needed; and, yes, item smelled like B.O. and favorite
perfume when it arrived.
• Item not as pictured. In fact, item not at all ideal for leaning against
unfinished wood ladder in middle of windy wheat field.
• Bought by mistake.
• Bought by mistake after scrolling through Facebook profiles of
acquaintances until a deep ache radiated inside my chest.
• Found a better price somewhere else, on something else
entirely—something that makes me feel more alive than a beige ribbed
turtleneck ever could.
• Wrong item sent. Right item doesn’t exist. Right item is a lie.
Satisfaction is an illusion.
• Order arrived missing whatever it is that one needs to confidently wear